Stories From The Head

Conquering One’s Inner Lobster The lobster is a beautiful, but dangerous creature. Ulsuk had been working as a navy diver for several years, but so far, he’d never met the so-called “Prince Of The Ocean”, as the lobster was so aptly called by the local prostitutes. One day he and his partner, Babo, were diving near the area known as “The Kvæmslappa”. They had discovered many treasures at the bottom of the sea, but still no lobsters. Babo was getting sick and tired of looking for lobsters with his superior officer. Even though he was curious to see a live lobster, his head was full of other wunderbar experiences. He had seen a young shark-man making love to an aqua-cat. He’d watched countless greks underfetting each other to the point of total exhaustion. He’d even seen an anus-fish stalking a tiny nubba-crab, whilst removing its gills in an attempt to camouflage itself as an egg. (A futile effort, seeing as the anus-fish has a rectangular body, eleven pink testicles, and a HUGE rectum). Anyway, he and Ulsuk had gone AWOL to look for lobsters. “Babo, can you see any lobsters?” Ulsuk inquired of his associate. “No” Babo replied. Ulsuk gave him a suspicious look. “”No” as in “No, I can’t see any lobsters”, or “No, I can see thousands of them, frolicking in the water”?” Babo thought about this for a while. A long while. While he was thinking, he noticed something moving at the bottom of the ocean. At first he thought it was a huna-beast. Then he thought he was looking at two jabba-parrots making love in the sand. Suddenly he realized it; it was an old lobster, eyeing him from beneath a rock. He signalled to Ulsuk, who, in turn, removed his suit and started covering his body with sand. “Hello there...” Babo said to the lobster. The lobster looked at him. “Klakka klakka” he whispered with his left claw. “Will you be our friend?” Babo asked. The lobster lay perfectly still. “KLAKKA!” he suddenly shouted, and started removing the sand from Ulsuk’s body. The sight that met Babo was a sight he’d never forget. Ulsuk was gone! He’d turned into...A LOBSTER. The other lobster seemed happy with the way things were going, and Ulsuk rejoiced in his new body. Lying there, covered in sand, he’d discovered his inner lobster, and conquered it, something that had manifested itself physically by turning the old body into the creature Ulsuk so admired. Babo watched as the two lobsters scuffled along, klakking happily to each other. Suddenly, he felt a stinging sensation in his left arm. When he looked at it, he saw that it had turned into a giant claw. The process...had begun...

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