Stories From The Head

Love Conquers All Blennehesset had nowhere to go. His house had been taken over by hostile forces, his mother had caught fire trying to put out the fire already raging on his father’s body, and his wife had left him for a small piece of wire named Adolf. He quickly travelled to a small town in the country, which went by the irritatingly catchy name Svippadonk, vowing to marry the first person he came across. Sadly for Blennehesset, Jucap, the wrestling master, was going for his annual walk at the exact moment of Blennehesset’s arrival in Svippadonk. “Shit” thought Blennehesset when he caught sight of the huge body of Jucap. “Well, here goes...” He ran as fast as he could towards Jucap, wielding a beautiful golden ring. “Hello sir. What, may I ask, is your name?” he shouted at the wrestler, whilst getting down on his left knee. “...Jucap, you little shit!” the wrestler replied in a strangely aggressive tone of voice. Blennehesset took a deep breath. “Listen, Jucap. I’m not gay or anything...” Blennehesset started. “I know,” said Jucap. “If you were, you would be dead by now”. Blennehesset took another, even deeper, breath. This wasn’t going to be easy. “All right. I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it”. The breath which Blennehesset took before uttering the following sentence was so breathtakingly deep that scientists would, for years, debate whether or not it was actually physically possible for a human being to perform. “Jucap...WILL...YOU...MARRY...ME?” What a relief. The events that followed were somewhat unclear to Blennehesset. He woke up in a sanatorium with a slight headache, and most of his physical body surgically removed. The nurse, a nice young girl called Morten, told him he was brought to the ER with a giant steamroller up his rectum. The rest of his body was so demolished that the only parts of Blennehesset that hadn’t been replaced by artificial tissue, were his left nipple, and a 1” x 2” piece of skin on his abdomen. Although he felt like crying, Blennehesset knew he had to be strong, because by his side sat Jucap, holding his hand, weeping for his amazingly disfigured husband. “I’m so, so sorry, Blennehesset, my love”. Tears flowed from Jucap’s eyes. “It’s just that...sometimes I lose my temper, and everything goes blank”. Blennehesset looked at his husband’s finger. The golden ring blended perfectly with the skin on Jucap’s extremely oversized hand. “Well...” Blennehesset said, fighting the pain. “I guess the answer was “yes” then...” Jucap smiled. Blennehesset tried to smile too, but seeing as his mouth had been replaced by an orange, he found it somewhat difficult. Still, they both realized the fact that this marriage would last forever. Suddenly, however, Jucap lost his temper. Blennehesset died the next from injuries sustained when a large fishing-boat had been inserted into his penis. Jucap was found by his side, weeping, and repeating over and over again; “I’m sorry...I’m so, so sorry...”...

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