Stories From The Head

King Of The Zumikatta-Mountains There was no doubt about it. Luger had fallen off the edge of the mountain. He had no recollection of how he’d ended up on top of the great Zumikatta-mountain in the first place, but he sure knew where he was going: DOWN! He looked at the sky. Then he looked at the ground. He shrugged. “Well, what can you do?” he said calmly to the midget falling alongside him. “You said it, mate”, the midget replied. “Falling down is easy, it’s the getting-back-up-part that’s hard”. (The midget spoke with an Australian accent, which was the custom for falling midgets). Three years earlier, Luger had donated his spleen to a band of circus-performers travelling through his hometown, and, as he got closer to the ground, he pondered about what had become of it. “Well, Luger, ya silly old kangaroo” the midget suddenly shouted in Luger’s direction. “Time for me to get out of the rat-race”. He was smiling now. “By the way, my name is Krattas. Krattas, the fish-hating midget”. As soon as he’d finished the sentence, his body was smashed against a giant aquarium full of piranha fish, strategically placed on a ledge. Luger praised the gods above. If he’d fallen off just two feet to the right, he might have met with the rather uninviting fish-tank. (As an ironic footnote, the piranha-fish were scattered around the hillside, following the falling-midget-incident (as it later became known in amphibious circuits), and one of them landed, alive, but amazingly surprised, in a tiny rabbit farm. It immediately ate one of the rabbits, ironically known as “the chosen one”, and this caused (some time later, of course) the world to end. But back to our friend Luger. He was accelerating rapidly now, and, just as he was about to reach top speed, he noticed some music playing from inside the mountain. It went something like this: “Duddu dudludl duddu duuu du, duddu dudludl duddu duuu du, du duddl du du, du duddl du du, duddu duddu du duddludu”. Luger thought nothing of it at first, but then he noticed something interesting in a nearby tower. He couldn’t see very well now (his eyes were filling up with gasoline in the event of a fire), but through an open window, he could make out a young clown who was waving something at him. Luger had never felt so happy in his life. As he reached top speed, he suddenly realized what the clown had been waving at him. IT WAS HIS MISSING SPLEEN! With a loud thump, Luger hit the ground. The people who had gathered round the “landing spot”, fell silent. A young priest started singing the beautiful hymn “Oh, oh! What’s that, Mr. Blacksmith?”, and everyone soon joined in. Luger got up, killed the young priest, and, walking away from the crowd of singing morons, he thought about it: He’d found his spleen, the priest was dead, the world was about to end, and he still couldn’t remember how he was doing on top of the mountain in the first place. Not too bad for a days work. Then he remembered...He was up there begging his friend Krattas, the fish-hating midget, NOT TO JUMP OFF THE EDGE OF THE MOUNTAIN. Well, at least the piranha were happy...

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