Stories From The Head

Glassapa’s Bjækko-Branch Retail Store “Glassapa, Glassapa, Glassapa. I am severely disappointed in you”. Thus began the last will and testament of Exxon, the wealthiest man ever to grace the face of the earth. Glassapa was his only son, and Exxon loathed the sight of him. “Although I am tempted to leave you nothing but the cancer-cells that finally conquered my body, I realize that, as my only daughter (Exxon had little, if any, grip on reality), you must be allowed to prove yourself”. Tiny drops of saliva began to appear on Glassapa’s lips as he listened to Brille, one of the horniest lawyers alive, read his fathers will aloud. “I leave all my money, and that’s quite a bit, to you, Glassapa, my beloved uncle (...). The only catch is that I leave it to you in Bleppesnurr, a currency that is exchangeable only in the country of Nunno. The only product available in Nunno is branches from the Bjækko-tree, and there is no known use for them!” Brille took off his glasses. “And here it says “Laugh triumphantly whilst beating Glassapa with a broom”...Well, I guess we must obey a dying man’s last wish...”. Glassapa subsequently received a severe beating, uninspired triumphant laughter, and several bags of Bleppesnurr-coins. Needless to say, he was a tad disappointed. “Well, there is only one thing to do” he said to himself as he got on the bus to Nunno. The amount of Bjækko-branches Glassapa was able to purchase with the Bleppesnurr he’d inherited was outrageous. The minute he got home he opened up a store called “Glassapa’s Bjækko-Branch Retail Store”. He hired seven dwarves and a young black-haired girl with snowy white skin to work in the Bjækko-branch preparation department, but decided to handle all sales personally. That is, there were no sales to handle. The first day, the first week, the first month...nothing happened. “Damn, damn, damn you Exxon, my father” Glassapa hissed to himself. At that exact moment an old man walked through the door. He was clad in a silver shirt and wide, pink trousers. “My name is Oberst and I am interested in purchasing some bjækko-branches” he said. Glassapa was shocked. “...we...we...well, of course you may” he stammered. “But tell me first” the old man commanded. “To what use may one put the bjækko-branch?” Glassapa looked at him. “Eh...” he whispered. “...none, really...sir”. He looked at the old man, and the old man looked at him. Then they looked at each other some more. “In that case” the old man proclaimed. “I will buy 84 000 bjækko-branches from your establishment”. Glassapa tried frantically to keep his cool, but his insides were in turmoil. “Of course sir. Would you like me to wrap them up for you?” Glassapa was in business. People started craving bjækko-branches. They would build large warehouses in their backyards just to be able to accumulate more branches. At the end of the year, “Glassapa’s Bjækko-Branch Retail Store” was the second biggest earner, narrowly beaten by “Luddra’s International House Of Condoms”. Glassapa was happy for the first time in his life. One day when he was counting his money, Glassapa heard a familiar voice behind one of the shelves. IT WAS HIS FATHER, EXXON. “Dad, is that you?” Glassapa quietly asked. “Yes, my young nephew. It is I” was the reply. “You’re not dead?” Glassapa was shocked. “I know” Exxon laughed. “But we all thought you had passed away”. Glassapa was even more shocked than he was a couple of sentences ago. “So did I, my beloved mother. So did I”. (Exxon still hadn’t figured out the peculiarities of how to address one’s relatives. The old man took a deep breath. “It turns out that my death was a cunning test to see if you were worthy of being my only niece. It was in fact so cunning that I myself did not know of it, even though I developed the plan. Anyway you have, against all odds, proven yourself, and will now receive your REAL inheritance. Exxon removed a tiny object from his armpit (where he had a small, secret compartment). “THIS TINY PLASTIC CAT IS YOUR REAL INHERITENCE” he screamed as he silently turned into a strange and twisted object. Glassapa swiftly pocketed the plastic cat and watched as his father turned into a deformed bjækko-branch. Finally Glassapa was free. He exchanged the remaining bjækko-branches (including his father) for a bag of bleppesnurr-coins and moved to Nunno, where he opened a small store called “Glassapa’s Tiny Plastic Cat Retail Store”. It went bankrupt 23 seconds after it opened, and Glassapa died a poor man. Happy, but poor...

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