Stories From The Head

Tales Of Mystery Zazummiskvatt and Jabbé had been friends for as long as they could remember (about 27 minutes), and they would remain close until the day they died (2 minutes and 35 seconds later). Their death is one of the biggest mysteries in the northern hemisphere (even though some argue that they were killed in the southern hemisphere, some that their demise took place in the western hemisphere. The eastern hemisphere was seldom mentioned in connection with Zazummiskvatt and Jabbé’s murder, but there were several maverick guerrilla groups who silently supported the theory known as “The Theory Concerning The Possibility That The Slaying Of Zazummiskvatt And Jabbé Took Place In, Or Around, The Eastern Hemisphere”. These groups were NOT to be troubled with). The mystery of Zazummiskvatt and Jabbé’s passing wasn’t  REALLY considered a mystery until quite a while after the actual killings took place (about 7 second later, to be specific). Up until this shocking discovery, people had been lulled into thinking that the murder had been carried out by highly intelligent grasshoppers hungry for blood, despair and...you guessed it...grass. These grasshoppers were supposedly trained by extra terrestrials to murder people by swiftly going for their throats, ripping out the main artery with their tiny front legs. The reason for the extra terrestrials (commonly known as “The Hahuhahubians”) to train these grasshoppers was this: They wanted to retrieve a boat which their queen, Soni, had exchanged for some food. She had wanted the boat back for several hours, but the technology to train the killer grasshoppers had just recently been made available to her. Anyway, this theory was the theory most criminal scientist put their faith in. A young policeman called Mullun, however, thought differently. “What if they were killed for money” he screamed at the crowd of lawyers who were busy competing for the title of “Horniest Lawyer Of The Year”. “IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THE GRASSHOPPERS!!!!” Mullun felt the tears of bravery run down his cheek (he only had one, due to a hunting accident which occurred while he was chasing a rabid hamster who had raped his favourite guinea-pig, Jesus). The lawyers stopped their “activity” for a little while. “My dear Mullun, you are sorely mistaken”. It was Bæggebjågg, the greatest lawyer the courts had ever seen (he was, of course brandishing a massive erection). He was angry. “People don’t kill for money! They kill for religion, boats, candy...the important stuff”. Mullun was stunned. He quickly discarded the money theory, and started working on another, more believable theory. This theory turned out to be THE SOLUTION TO THE MYSTERY OF THE MYSTERIOUS KILLINGS OF ZAZUMMISKVATT AND JABBÉ: They had killed each other in a fit of wild terror, having been threatened by a rabid hamster. “What an incredible coincidence” Bæggebjågg whispered. Mullun was killed the following morning. His death remains a mystery...

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