Stories From The Head

Ass Cancer When Bach saw the serious look in Dr Zemel's eyes, he immediately knew that something was wrong. "Pneumonia, maybe" he thought to himself. "Or perhaps one of my legs is missing". He quickly ruled out pneumonia because of the fact that his lungs had been replaced by heroin-addicted mice two years earlier. (The most severe piece of experimental surgery ever performed, the procedure caused quite an uproar in the medical society because: a)   Bach's lungs were fine. b)   Mice are a terrible substitute for human lungs. c)   Heroin has a bizarre effect on mice, making them lazy and "cool".) The missing leg was a more frightening concept, even more so because of the fact that Bach had been looking for his leg for quite some time now. (It was later discovered among his aunt Pølsa's knitting gear). As he braced himself for the shocking news that one of his legs had gone missing, Bach decided to urinate violently on himself. This desperate attempt to confuse Dr Zemel was brave but oh-so futile. You see, Dr Zemel LOVED giving bad news to frightened young people. He thrived on it, and today was a glorious day for him. He knew Bach suspected a "missing-leg"-scenario, but the good doctor knew better. He stood perfectly still for several hours while Bach finished pissing himself, and when he finally spoke, he did so in a soft, velvety voice. "Oh, Bach" he started. "Young, handsome Bach. I'm afraid I have some good... eh, I mean BAD news for you. You have cancer... IN YOUR ASSHOLE!!!" Bach was stunned. "Doctor?" he tried, his mouth dry and his pants full of piss. "Will I be able to make music?" Dr Zemel sighed. "No Bach, you won't", he replied. Another blow. Bach had always wanted to make music, but he didn't know how. He thought the ass-cancer could help him, but he was wrong. He would NEVER be able to make music. What he WOULD be able to, was to die from a rotting anus. Cancer is, for the most part, not painful at first. This is NOT true when it comes to cancer of the ass. From the moment your doctor gives you the diagnosis, your asshole feels like it's on fire. This doesn't stop until you and all your loved ones are dead. (SEE?! It is a truly foul disease). Dr Zemel took great pleasure in seeing Bach's ass burn with cancer. As he watched, he thought of all the ass-cancer-patients who had yet to find out about it. He was deep in some wonderful fantasies about funny and innovative ways of breaking the news to more young frightened people, when he noticed a tiny smile on Bach's lips. The pain in his ass had to be excruciating, so whatever was making him laugh had to be really funny. Then, as Bach rotted away, Dr Zemel discovered two things concerning his own body: 1)   One of his legs was missing. 2)   He had cancer... IN HIS ASSHOLE! At that exact moment, Bach was diagnosed with pneumonia. His lungs had OD'd on heroin, and Dr Zemel was too sick from ass-cancer to help him. Oh, it was a sight for sore eyes...

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