Stories From The Head

A Funny Family "I HATE ALL OF YOU!" Emgar screamed at his family. "EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!" His mother, Hamil, looked at him. "Well, that's to be expected", she replied, ramming the burning pitch-for further into his rectum. Emgar hadn't felt pain like this since the last "let's-make-up-and-be-a-family-again"-dinner. "Jeez, man. I expected this from mom and dad, but you..." He gave his brother Zeman a stern look. "I thought you were on my side". Zeman didn't move. "Release the tiger" he quietly ordered the hooded midget guarding the cage. The little one complied. "Not the tiger" Emgar thought as he braced himself for the imminent attack. He tried to calm down by looking at the cute little bunnies blithely skipping around the room, but deep down he knew that as soon as the tiger had ripped out his spleen, it would get to them. Suddenly, Emgar's father, Motha, decided to participate more actively in his son's punishment by squirting acid into his eyes. "Goddammit, daddy! ACID!??!! COME ON!" He seemed furious, but, in a way, Emgar was happy to be blinded, as the tiger had almost managed to loosen his spleen from its rightful place (that place being Emgar's abdomen, if anyone was wondering). It was NOT a pretty sight. "Well", Motha sighed. "That's what you get, son" Emgar fumed. "FOR WHAT?" he demanded. A strange look came across his father's face. "Well...eh...for..." he started. Hamil interrupted him. "You know damn well why!" she hissed. "NO, MOM, I DON'T!" Emgar screamed. His parents were puzzled. Even Zeman looked up from chasing the bunnies with a furious spider. Emgar stared at them (or, at least, he would have had his eyes been intact). "Well, I'm sure there's a reason" Hamil tried. Emgar struggled to keep his composure. "No, mother, there really isn't. You suddenly attacked me twelve years ago, and you've tortured me ever since". The family looked at each other. For several minutes. Then they all burst out laughing. "Oh my god, son", Motha chuckled. "We're so sorry. Shoo, tiger, shoooo!" A sense of relief filled the room as Hamil pinched her son's cheek. "Do you want me to make you some porridge, my love?" she purred to her son. Emgar took a deep breath. "Yes, mother" he replied. "Yes I do". The whole family huddled around him, let the bunnies out, and carried Emgar into the dining-room. There they each enjoyed a nice bowl of porridge through embarrassed smiles. At least the tiger was happy. It had its very own spleen to play with. And play with it it did...

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