Stories From The Head

Wearing the Sweater Mikrofob knew that his life was over, so the only thing he had to worry about was the eternal dilemma: a)              Wear the sweater b)              Wear the sweater for a short period of time His attackers (if there indeed were any attackers) were beating him with a passion previously unknown to man, but Mikrofob focused all his powers on the most difficult choice he would ever have to make: a)              Wear the sweater b)              Wear the sweater for a short period of time As Mikrofob’s abdomen was beaten to a pulp with a basebal-bat (an actual bat, as basebal was radically different from baseball), a frightening thought ran through his mind: “What if I don’t have a sweater?!” He decided to confront his attackers: Mikrofob: STOP! Please, for the love of honey, STOP! (There were no attackers) Mikrofob: You don’t understand! I need a sweater! (There were no attackers) Mikrofob: Oh, you wanna play hardball? (Mikrofob spent a couple of hours playing the supremely entertaining game of “Hardball” with himself. Some spiders joined in for a while, but proceeded to catch flies instead.) Mikrofob: Ok… you win…I’m done…Give me the god-damned sweater! (The gratingly absent attackers weren’t listening. They were busy tending their fly-farm.) Mikrofob: (While putting on a shirt) Jesus Christ, look what we’ve come to. Jesus Christ: Shut up, tiny human! God: (Carrying a cross, a hammer, and some nails) Come here, son! I have a job for you. Jesus Christ: Catch me if you can! (They run gaily towards a nearby meadow) Meanwhile, at the fly-farm: Attacker #3:  I can’t hold them, sir. There are too many of them! Attacker #1:  God-damned spiders. Why can’t they stick to playing “Hardball”?! Mikrofob: (Puts on a loincloth) … (The spiders challenge him to a game of Lubo, but Mikrofob declines and proceeds to attack the fly-farm.)  Attacker #3:  Hmmm, didn’t see that one coming! (Packs up his belongings and leaves the country. Several blacksmiths follow him, but they are ambushed by spiders and go back to making weapons.) Mikrofob died the following winter from injuries sustained during a particularly rough game of “Hardball”. Ten days later a spider was seen wearing a sweater for a short period of time. Attacker #3 was nowhere to be seen…

Back