Stories From The Head

The Horny Messiah Jesur knew in his heart that he was the messiah, and he was the kind of person that always wanted to do a good job. His followers were few and, in some cases, overzealous. Every time Jesur visited a new village, his disciples had used aggressive advertising, bribes, even death-threats to get the inhabitants to show up at the town square. But Jesur didn’t care. His message was a good one, and his nemesis, Pusur, always had large crowds at his performances. Things were really looking up for the Jesur–for-messiah-campaign. The polls were in favor of him, the public loved him, and priests worshipped the ground he walked on. Literally. But at the height of his powers, Jesur hit a tiny snag. At least according to his followers. You see, when Jesur caught sight of a beautiful woman when he preached, he would get a physical reaction in his “lower body”. This problem would normally be solved by make-up and creative lighting, but the rules of messiahdom decreed that such earthly things should under no circumstances be employed. To make matters worse, all messiahs-to-be had to wear tight-fitting prescription robes. So when Jesur preached about peace, love, understanding and the benefits of coconut-oil, his robes would slowly “expand”, and people would run screaming from the square. His campaign received a severe blow, but Jesur refused to do something about the problem. His disciples volunteered to work as fluffers before the speeches, they offered to have him castrated, they even wanted to have him bathe in acid to remove his entire lower body. But Jesur wouldn’t budge. He even wanted to make erections-for-all one of his campaign-offers. It was a time of upheaval for all the followers of Jesur. Pusur, as you might have guessed, was enjoying every moment of this. He’d been through an erection-faze, and had solved it by inventing a contraption that made the entire town square catch fire by the merest twitch in his “buddy”. This was a more than adequate diversion while he quietly got rid of his problem “the good old way”. He didn’t really care that 50-60% of his audience died in these fires. He was going to be the new messiah, no matter what. Needless to say, Pusur succeeded. Jesur was devastated, but pursued a lucrative career as a rent-a-tent (catering only to female customers, as the tent-pole wouldn’t cooperate in the presence of males). Still, he would have made great messiah. Horny, but great…

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