Stories From The Head

Son of a Bitch Even though both children and adults melted at the mere sight of his puppy-face, Tjafs was a real son of a bitch. He spent most of his time trying to do good, but everyone still called him a son of a bitch and a bastard. And Tjafs couldn’t argue. He WAS  a son of a bitch and a bastard. His mother Tusse, had barely known his father (let alone married him, as this was uncommon among dogs), and everyone knew that she was a bitch. But Tjafs had a good heart. Once, when he’d helped some pigeons by chasing away a hungry fox, they didn’t thank him. “Get outta’ here, you son of a bitch”, they said, and Tjafs had run away, tail between his legs. In spite of being a son of a bitch and a bastard, Tjafs had one friend: A young cat named Nuss. Even though she was a brave little kitten, everybody called her a pussy. And she never argued. She once single-handedly drove away a swarm of grasshoppers, but people didn’t care. “Bah, she’s just a little pussy”, they’d say. So the pussy and the bastard son of a bitch kept to themselves, roaming the alleys trying to avoid all the stares and hurtful comments. But it was no use. Everyone picked on them. “Hey, you bastard!”, they yelled. “Watch it or we’ll eat your pussy! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Nuss and Tjafs kept quiet. If only they knew how to talk back to these people. The turning point came in a local hen-house when a young hen started teasing Nuss. “You wanna back that up with some action?” Tjafs heard himself say. “Or are you too chicken?” The hen was dumbfounded. Later, when a goldfish yelled something offensive, Nuss retorted immediately. “Hey, Tjafs. Who is this fishy character?” The goldfish swam to the other side of the bowl (he returned a few seconds later, repeated the insult, and Nuss told him off again. This happened a few times, until Nuss and Tjafs remembered something about goldfish and their short-term memories, and walked away). All of a sudden, people stopped teasing Nuss and Tjafs. They were too scared of being mocked with some silly joke referring to their species. Like the cheeky ape who was told to “cut out the monkey-business”. Or the snake who “couldn’t worm his way out of this”. It was the talk of the town. Nuss and Tjafs were not to be messed with. But all this didn’t make them any happier. They were still just a pussy and a bastard son of a bitch, and they knew it…

Back