Stories From The Head

Divine Genitalia It was high noon, and the bells of the convent were ringing wildly. Large fires were visible in the courtyard, and kittens howled in the distance. The monks were up to something. The population of Tuch knew that experiments of a divine nature were being conducted in the lower depths of the convent, but they were completely in the dark about the extent of the discoveries that the monks had made. Even the young monk who was ringing the bells was oblivious to the fact that something that would change the world as he knew it had been unearthed in those dark dungeons. When the monks had started conducting tests relating to the existence of God, few of them had thought they would reach a decisive conclusion, but thigs don’t always go as expected… As the sun scorched the picturesque building, a hooded figure slowly entered the great hall, home of The High Priest. No monk had ever spoken directly to the head of the order (wicked tongues had even spread a rumor that he’d died years ago), but tonight an exception had to be made. With a shivering voice the young monk broke the news to his spiritual leader, even though he was unable to see anyone in the hall.  “My lord of lords, keeper of several important things, and user of dark blue robes – the existence of God Almighty has been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt!” A brief silence, followed by a muffled sneeze, was the only reply. Having fulfilled his mission, the young monk turned towards the exit, only to find an old man standing in his way. It was The High Priest. “Where, my young friend, has God been found?” he asked. “In an unlikely place”, the young monk stuttered. “Where, pray tell?” The High Priest whispered. “It’s very unlikely”, the youngster insisted. The High Priest stared at the apprentice. He really wanted to know were God had been found, but decided it would be quite embarrassing to ask again. The young monk took a deep breath. “God has been found…in…a stray dog’s genitals…” There was a brief silence, followed by another one. The High Priest then immediately left the convent, never to return. The young monk left the great hall, ran to his cell, and played chess with himself for two weeks. In the dungeons, however, things were heating up. You have to understand that the monk conducting the experiment was not a member of the order. He had wandered in from a nearby “pleasure-house” convinced he had the means to prove or disprove the existence of God. He never disclosed his name, but insisted on being called Dr Impossible. Now that the experiment had been concluded, he was nowhere to be seen. The remaining monks angrily debated the results of the experiment. The fact that God existed was, of course, uplifting, but His rather unorthodox whereabouts was a different matter altogether. The most pressing issue was what to do with the dog. Some wanted to keep it in a box, for worshipping, or as some sort of oracle. Some thought it should be treated as a normal dog. Some monks even thought it should be treated as a kitten. In the end, the council made the decision to have the dog slaughtered, and its genitals burned. It was no easy decision, but the monks feared an outbreak of mass hysteria as soon as the public got wind of the fact that God had been found living in a dog’s cock. At the exact moment the execution was carried out, the following scenario played out in a nearby village: A young hamster called Banjo was running tirelessly in a contraption known as “a wheel”. This fascinating gadget had been placed in his cage the night before, and Banjo was overjoyed. He had been dying to escape his captivity, and saw this “wheel” as a means of doing this. He ran and ran, but every time he exited his vehicle, he found himself back in his cage. Taking a break to ponder this rather odd fact, and to wash his little snout, Banjo all of a sudden felt a stinging sensation in his lower body. He took no notice of this, and decided to get back to carrying out his brilliant escape-plan. Little did Banjo the hamster know that his genitals now hosted the creator and ruler of the known universe. He just kept running. He just wanted to get out of his cage…

Back